The Things That Keep Me Up At Night.
I've been having a hard time sleeping at night. I think the steroids combined with constant napping are messing with me. I lie in bed for hours staring at the ceiling, meditating, counting the green flashes coming from my On-Pro shot bomb. 1-one thousand-2-one thousand-3-one thousand-flash. Over and over again. They gave me a prescription for Lorazepam, but I don't use it. It's a benzo and those are addictive so I don't want to introduce that to my body. I feel good enough in my sobriety to know I won't take them if I feel they're a threat. The thing is even if it's prescribed, and necessary, and technically not relapsing, once it's in my system, all bets are off. I get addicted to things very easily. About 10 years ago, I needed prescription drugs to get me off of Afrin. (Yes. Afrin. Shut up. I never said I was hard core. It doesn't get you high or loopy or anything close to that, but a body can physically become addicted to it, and congestion becomes your new normal without it. It's on the label. That's why they say not to use it more than 3 days in a row.* *This PSA was brought to you by sobercancerbride.com) A few weeks ago my sinuses were getting congested and I couldn't swallow pills so I thought to myself, "hmmm it's been a long time and I'm a responsible, sober woman now. Perhaps I'll revisit my self-imposed Afrin ban. I'll use as directed. This time, it won't get me." (This line of thinking, by the way, the "'Okay it got out of hand, but it's been [days, weeks, months, 10 years...] THIS time, I'll control it' followed by the inability to do so for any length of time before it gets out of hand again is classic alcoholic behavior. Remove "Afrin" and replace with any liquor, beer, or wine and there's a pretty good chance you've got an alcoholic on your hands [feel free to substitute with dry goods or food or sugar or gambling, etc.]. There are more indications. If you want to talk about that please feel free to reach out to me.) I'm sure you see where this is going. I lifted the ban and bought Afrin. I used less than as directed. I used it twice in a 72 hour period. That's one time, wait a day, one more time. And within 2 days I was irritable and like, "WHERE IS THE STUFF I PUT UP MY NOSE?!" So. Yeah. I threw away the bottle and, long story short: No, I can't handle benzos.
I saw one of those fancy Facebook pictures once that said something like, "What if you wake up tomorrow with only the things you gave thanks for today?" It popped up in my head the night I had the On-Pro on so I added one thing I'm grateful for at each green flash. 1-one thousand-2-one thousand-3-one thousand-relationshipwithgod. (I had to say it quickly so I didn't mess up the timing) 1-one thousand-2-one thousand-3-one thousand-sobriety. 1-one thousand-2-one thousand-3-one thousand-David. 1-one thousand-2-one thousand-3-one thousand-family...friends...myjob...apartment...health insurance...car. That's the big stuff. Then I got into details. Food, bed, clothes, shoes, weekends, manicures (oh my god I miss manicures) And I started thinking about how freaking lucky we are to be alive here and now. You are somewhere far away reading from a computer monitor or tablet or smart phone. This use to require carrier pigeons and I would have had to write it by hand, like, a hundred times over and over and over again. Guys, we're, like, magic and we of average income live better than kings did. We have washing machines, air conditioners, and indoor plumbing. Do you realize how bad everyone would have smelled when you watch those fancy tv shows and movies with kings and queens and mutton and petticoats? Gr-oss.
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I went into the office this week! I couldn't stay long, only about 4 hours a day. I cried a little. I was so happy to see everyone. It wiped me out though. After the first day, I came home and slept for 10.5 hours. I had worn make up and passed out with it on so I woke up looking like Uncle Fester. I have a new found respect for women who put on a full face of makeup everyday and wash it off every night before they go to sleep. It takes so much self-care. It's such a pain in the ass. I guess I wore a lot of eye makeup in high school when I was angry and pierced and liked the color black a lot (black lip liner? Oh yes. Don't worry. I wasn't all dark and angry. I went through a silver, glittery phase too. I was wearing glitter on my eyelids before they even made eyelid/body glitter. I used primer, liquid foundation, and real craft store glitter. That's how trend-setty and old I am. I remember my dentist being really weirded out by it. At the time, I was sure it was because it was new and different. Looking back, it might have been because it was unsettling to see a 15-year-old with special effects previously only seen in a strip club.) But since then, I have not really been much of a makeup lady. Definitely not every day and if I did, just mascara and maybe would add eyeliner to my top lid if I was going out or something. I have yet to find a lipstick I like. That's not true. 14 years ago, Benefit made one called Sugar Cookie but they discontinued it after I went through one tube. So it's been 14 years since I've worn anything other than lip balm. I had to have my mom show me how to put on blush last time she was here. Maddy explained it well and I got the bronzer down but blush is hard! And taking everything off at night? Jeeez, what a process. I used to use the Blinc or L'Oreal tube mascara. That stuff is great. It comes off so easily but lately the last thing I want to do is tug at my eyelashes. They're starting to come out just fine on their own. So I switched to a mascara that comes off with water and a sensitive-eye makeup remover. My little sister smartly recommended switching to a cream so it pulls less. I'll do whatever I can to salvage them until it's time to do false eyelashes. Women are lucky for that. Do they make normal eyelashes for men to wear or is their choice ridicu-lash or nothing? (That's "ridiculous lashes." I made it up myself 😁)
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I don't have news yet about a wedding planner. The lady I was talking with is really expensive. I might be able to negotiate down but it's a big gap so I don't know. I haven't had the energy to take that on right now. I'm on day 3 of the 4-5 no food days. David made me a fried egg Monday morning so I'm counting that as a food day. Since then I had 1 bowl of tomato soup Tuesday and 2 on Wednesday. It's Thursday now. This morning I tried bread. It was pretty gross, but when you haven't eaten for 2.5 days you'll shove it down past your gag reflexes. I took advantage and threw some ghee on there to get a little fat in. Now I feel nauseated but I'm about to take a Zofran so hopefully that will pass. By Saturday or Sunday I should be able to eat a real whole meal again. Maybe I'll revisit that negotiating thing when I'm not starving to death.
We've been working on our guest list. It's so hard. I want everyone there. We're starting out the way David's mom suggested which is to make a master list of all the people you'd like to invite. Then based on budget and venue size, you cut it down. My list alone without David's is 140 people. The venue holds 120. So I'm going to have make some decisions. I hate it. I wish I could send out a feeler invitation first.
'We are thinking of inviting you to our wedding. Please answer the following questions. 1) Do you want to come? Not "should" you or do you feel obligated to be there. Do you actually want to come to our wedding? We will not be offended. We promise. We get it. Traveling. Getting dressed up. Small talk. Line dancing. They can really suck. If you don't want to come, be honest. We really won't be hurt. You'll save us the trouble of cutting people we love and then awkwardly asking them in the second wave. We'll save you the trouble of having to come up with an excuse or having to begrudgingly sit through another buffet dinner. 2) Would you be genuinely hurt if we don't invite you? 3) Let's assume you're coming. Do you have an important significant other in your life that I don't know about? If I leave them off the invitation or write "and guest" instead of their name, will you be grossly offended? If so, when I send you a random text asking for your address, please write your name and their name in the addressee line when you send back your info. 4) If you're single, what's worse? Giving you a plus-one so you feel obligated to find a date or not giving you a plus-one so you have to come alone? If you know lots of people going and you will all be sitting together, does that change your answer? 5) Do you want your kids there? I do. I love kids at weddings, especially our wedding because it's on a farm with chickens and sheep and pigs and alpacas. But if you want a kid-free night will you be annoyed if everyone else's kids are there? We're inviting kids, so please refer back to question one if this makes you unhappy.'
And THEN based on those responses, we can figure out our guest list. Honesty is always the best policy. It would make things so much easier.
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I had dreams of the doctor calling me and saying she's so happy with the progress of chemo that they'll do a scan early and if I'm clear they can stop treatment. Except that won't happen. Even women who have mastectomies or lumpectomies with clear margins (it means no cancer cells are found in the outer edges of what was removed. Translation: they got it all out.) still go through full chemo after. It's to make sure nothing escapes. Every last cell must die. I guess I could opt to stop but it would take a tremendous amount of faith on my part to go against the doctors. Also, I'd like to be sure this sh*t is never coming back because I am not going through this again. But this is what we expected. I was never afraid of dying. Okay okay, in the beginning a little bit and at moments a lot bit. I was mostly more afraid of the chemo the whole time so we're right on track. I'm beating this. I just need to make it through the treatments.
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I've had this needling borderline migraine headache every day now since Monday. It's probably from not eating, so I'm not concerned but it is making looking at screens hard. So I'm going to cut this and post it. I've been writing it on and off since last Tuesday. I think we're caught up and I need to go close my eyes. Muah.