Spring's Here!

I STILL have my eyebrows and some eyelashes. I don't want to get my hopes up, but this is very promising.

Last week was a tough week. I mean the week of chemo always is but this one felt harder than usual. Tuesday was not so bad. The snowstorm hit much less harder than expected. Most people had already been told their offices were closed, though, so it was quiet on the work front. As I've said, the first 2-3 days out from chemo are really bad. I barely get out of bed, I have no appetite and pretty much constant nausea. This coupled with the overwhelming guilt I feel not being able to even be on work email most of the day, drives me insane. So knowing that no one was working Tuesday actually made it a little easier. And my mom was still here. Wednesday and Thursday were hard. BFBF (best friend boss friend) was trapped in Florida because they cancelled all flights. Work was rolling in, and unlike the last couple of times where I've been able to let the emails go, it was really hard for me to say "I can't" because I knew she wasn't there. I know she understands. I know she knows I'm sick but I, me, I can't help but feel responsible. So I struggled through it. It's hard to think things through. I used to be pretty smart and able to see projects from all angles, but chemo brain really is a thing. My head feels like it's filled with cotton balls and information doesn't stick. I can't remember things. Something that used to be the obvious next step doesn't occur to me, or it pops into my head 3 days later. It's incredibly frustrating. I'm reaching a point where I'm like, "Okay. I'm done with this now. Let's go back to normal," but the cumulative effects are getting worse, so my mashed potato brain is like, "Nope." Anyway, I don't think I did a great job, but at least no one was left hanging. It's disappointing that that much effort yields half the results. It's so hard for me not to work 110%. Wednesday and Thursday, answering emails and trying to get things done in between bouts of nausea, falling in and out of sleep, and with these constant headaches that seem to waiver back and forth from almost migraine to migraine, knowing full well I was only doing an "okay" job at it was torture. It really makes me feel useless. I'm good at my job. I swear!

Then I got some bad news Thursday night. I won't go into details because it's her life, not mine, but my grandmother was in a very bad car accident. Prayers and positive vibes would be appreciated. I've been asking God to divert any prayers coming my way to her instead. You think that works?

I'm waiting for my fingernails to get better. The chemo I'm on now is not supposed to affect them so they should be healing, but I guess I'm still slow to heal. But once they're better, I'm cashing in on my home manicure! (Thanks, MDS!) For now though, anything that requires a grip feels like murder. David has to open everything for me.

So that's all the bad news. The good news, aside from my eyebrows, is I have 1, One,  ONE round of chemo left! AND my doctor said she'll have the port taken out early and give me my last 3 Herceptin infusions on a IV so I won't have to have the port in for the wedding. Yayayayayayay! My mom and I were so happy we both started crying. We were back in the waiting room and a woman (I'll call her Mary) who thought they were sad tears tried to comfort my mom. We explained to her the good news and said we knew it was small and silly but she said, "Any reason to celebrate is good!" Mary told us her port will be in until they find a cure. When she was 39, she broke her collar bone. They thought she had bone cancer, but it turns out her breast cancer had spread so far that it made its way into her bone and deteriorated it so much that it snapped. She was in Stage 4. They told her to prepare her daughter, who was 3 at the time, that mommy is sick and will be leaving. She refused to accept that and started searching for more opinions until she found the network I am at. They put her on a new chemo drug and since then every 3 weeks she's had some sort of infusion. Her hair is back and she's on maintenance now. The cancer isn't gone but she can live with it. It's been nine years. Her daughter is twelve and Mary is determined to see her turn 18. Talk about perspective. And yet, she was so happy to join in on our little celebration. She says she's nothing short of a miracle. I agree.

I haven't had much news on wedding planning because it came to a halt for a little bit. Our beautiful new wedding planner lost her father unexpectedly so we told her to take all the time she needs. She just reached out to us after about 4 weeks so we're slowly getting back into it.

Our officiants, Anne-Margaret and Anthony from The Giving Tree Yoga Studio, dropped some exciting news. They WILL be back in the area for the wedding in September, but on May 15th, they are leaving for a 30 city/30 week tour called "Raise the Vibration of America." Spending one week in each city/town, they will work with local communities, teaching workshops on how to heal inner and outer divisiveness. And they'll be documenting it with weekly episodes on their YouTube channel "Raise The Vibration!" They explain more of what they're doing on their GoFundMe page. I'm so proud to have amazing people like this in my life and even more excited that this is the type of energy they are bringing to our wedding. Is that self-centered? Maybe. But I'm happy they are following their hearts and I can't wait to follow along on their new adventure.

And the best news of all, it's Spring! We made it through winter. My friend, H, pointed out how my chemo coincided with winter and is ending at the same time. I hadn't thought about it but she's right. Even my hair fell out, like the leaves. And now winter is over and chemo is almost over and I'll start to get strong again. I bought a little stationary peddler to get my legs moving. The fatigue has gotten so bad, I need to rest after a couple of blocks of walking. I'm assuming once chemo ends that will go away, but in the meantime I can peddle at home and get some strength back, I hope. I miss walks in the park.

I meet with the surgeon on Thursday to go over options and to see what she recommends. I'm a little nervous but eager to move on to Phase II of Operation: Kill this Mofo 'til it's Dead!

Also, I know I don't post as often as I used to. If you're getting tired of checking and seeing nothing, you COULD follow one of my pages- I blast updates on twitter and facebook.

 

So Close

My mom's visiting so she can go with me to chemo tomorrow and stay a couple days to get me through the worst of it. This new drug combo overall has been better for me, but the first few days out are murder. I can't get out of bed, my head hurts too much to look at screens so I just kind of lay there for Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday making plans to get up any minute and force myself to eat soup, which never happens. This week, I'll have Mom here to bring me soup so it'll be a little easier on me. Although she may stay longer than expected if this snow storm they're threatening lives up to the hype. By Thursday, I should start to come out of it, and by Sunday-Monday it'll just be headaches and migraines, weird appetite and fatigue. I can handle that. And then it's just ONE more. And guess what. I still have my eyebrows and some of my eyelashes! Maybe I will get to keep them. :) :) :)

The baby thing is still dragging me down. We were watching a show on Hulu the other night and the same commercial for ClearBlue kept coming on. We switched to Netflix, but not before I seriously considered throwing the TV over the balcony. It's frustrating. I'm having a hard time understanding my own reactions. If you'd asked me before I met David if I wanted children, I'd have said no. After we became our own little family, the idea of growing it didn't sound so bad but I was still unsure. But now, for some reason I can't look at babies, or even pregnant women, without getting worked up. I think it's just biological. I can't help it and I guess like I said before, it's different when it's taken away. I'll get over it. It's been an emotional few months all around so I'm giving myself a pass on the slow processing of this one.

Today David and I took our moms to brunch and they met in person for the first time. It went really well, I think. I can't believe the wedding is less than six months away. We have almost everything figured out. The last thing we're working on with the caterer is beverages. It's a Saturday night wedding so we're going to have alcohol there even though we don't drink. But because the venue is part of NYC's department of parks, there are all kinds of hoops and permits and fees required to serve liquor there. So, we'll be serving just beer and wine. If y'all want liquor you can BYO flasks as long as they're tastefully stashed in your boots and handbags. We picked out 3 beers and the caterer is picking out the wines for us. I tried to put my two cents in and then remembered I haven't had a glass of wine for over 4 years so maybe I'm not the best person to ask. (Boxed white zin for everyone!) But after that it's just flowers, decorations, and invitations. Oh. And the guest list, which I still haven't nailed down. It's. So. Hard. David did his half weeks ago, so it's just me dragging my feet. I want everyone there. I'll figure it out eventually. 

For now it's bedtime. Chemo in the morning, then 3 days of deliriously staring at the ceiling, falling in and out of sleep. See you guys on Thursday. :)

I Take Bribes

Here's how this morning went.

Faith: (hits snooze button 3 times.)

David: (bursts into room, jumps up and down on bed) Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

F: No.

D: You aren't getting out of bed?

F: Nope. I'm not going.

D: What if I made you a really good breakfast?

F: What are you making?

D: I was going to make myself a steak, eggs and Swiss chard scramble probably with some other vegetables...

F: (makes a gross face)

D: ...and for YOU I was going cut up a banana, sauté it with coconut oil, raw honey, and cinnamon and pour it over waffles and maybe fry an egg?

F: (Throws covers off) I'll be out of the shower in ten minutes. 

About That...

It's been a gorgeous few days here in NYC. We're getting a little preview of Spring. Saturday was in the 60s and sunny. David and I went to Astoria Park for a little bit. Of course we had to drive there because 7 blocks would knock me out. The park is on this giant hill that slopes down to the East River. It's a beautiful park at the most Western edge of Astoria. It sits under the Tri-boro Bridge (I refuse to acknowledge the name changing to RFK Bridge) and the Hellgate Bridge with Randall Island and the Upper Eastside of Manhattan as a backdrop. It has a couple of huge lawns, a playground, an olympic sized pool that's open during the summer, a track, a skatepark, and amazing views. Aside from being one of my favorite places in the city, it is also where David proposed to me.

We often go for walks there when it's nice out. One Wednesday night during the summer I got home from work and he had dinner ready and suggested we go watch the sunset after we ate. We went for a walk down to the river and sat down on the grass to watch the sun go down. He was behind me so I didn't see him get down on one knee. He said, "You know I love you and you know I want to spend my life with you, right?" I turned around and he was on one knee holding out the ring. I said, "NO WAY!" and he said, "Will you marry me?" and I said, "Are you sure?" and he laughed and said yes, so I said yes too. We agreed to just let it be our night and to not tell anyone until the next day. I called my mom the next morning and found out that not only did he "ask" my dad at a Fourth of July bbq earlier that week, but he'd also shown both him and my mom the ring. AND THEY DIDN'T TELL ME. Traitors. We started planning the wedding the following weekend.

So I love that park. We usually go there, wander around the paths and just walk all over, but I get too tired for that now. We get halfway up the slope and my legs turn to lead. So lately, we've been driving and bringing a blanket to sit on. Saturday we found the best spot ever. One of the "feet" of the Hellgate bridge is built into the hill. So the back of it is ground level and the front of it is about 3 stories higher than the road below it, overlooking the river. You can walk along the ledge of the bridge, which is about 30" wide, around to the front and without any climbing at all, sit in a quiet, secluded space high above the people and cars below. It's awesome. We sat up there and enjoyed the view and talked and watched all the other people enjoying the day. It was so nice to spend some time outside, not cooped up in the apartment in bed. Check out the view:

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Nurse Nicole said to go for walks if the fatigue is persistent, which it is. She said to get up and move- not crazy amounts, but basically to not give in to it or stay in bed the whole time. Yes, rest and sleep when I'm tired just don't become a slug. I can't believe how much I used to take my body for granted. I can't stand that I used to hate my legs. I used to think my hair was too straight. I used to think my eyelashes were too short and my eyebrows didn't grow right. My stomach was never flat enough. My hips were too wide. Now, I'm grateful when I make it up the hill or one flight of stairs. I thank my legs. I thank my eyebrows for still holding on. They're thinning, but they're there. I thank the few eyelashes I have left for sticking around. And I apologize to my body again and again for ever thinking it wasn't good enough.

It's been strange watching things change and even more interesting watching my reaction to it. I meet new people and I want to say things like, "I don't usually look like this. I don't usually have all these freckles, " or "My nails are usually longer and not so discolored." These small side effects from the chemo that bother me- I'm so vain to think people even notice or care. And what's funny is that it's not as if before I had any say over how many freckles I had or the color of my fingernails. As if before was how I chose to look, and now is how I am forced to look. It's not correct. That doesn't make sense. I can't be embarrassed about the facial discoloration now any more than I could have been proud of my thick, full eyebrows, previously. I had nothing to do with either. Vanity is a silly trait.

The last thing that's been weighing on me is about that other thing no one wants to ask about. I guess it'll come up because it's one of the first things people like to ask you after you get married. The short, short answer is no. No, I can't have kids now. And it's okay. We're okay with it. To be honest, I was never set on having children. It's not something I was sure of the way other women are. I guess I always thought it would happen organically and I'd have a baby and then end up absolutely loving motherhood and wanting 5 more. But I never saw myself purposely getting pregnant or deciding to make a baby. Does that make sense? I never thought I'd choose it for myself. I thought it would just happen and I would be a happy, great, mom. The doctors offered me a chance to freeze some eggs before I started chemo, but it didn't seem like a good decision. It would have delayed treatment, and my cancer was growing quickly. My eggs were already 37 years old, which would make the IVF process hard. I've seen a few friends go through the heartbreak of unsuccessful fertility treatments and miscarriages. It's not something I'm willing to put myself through. There's a good chance I would have had to have a surrogate carry for us anyway. And it seemed like a bad idea to put my body through more stress right before I started chemo. So we decided against saving eggs. No going back now. Since my cancer is hormone driven, when treatment is over I'll start a drug called Tamoxifen which will put me into early menopause, reducing the chance of it coming back. The day I started chemo is the day the ship sailed on me ever having my own children.

It does make me a little sad. Not devastated. Just down and a little like I screwed up by waiting so long. Like I said, I wasn't set on it anyway, but I guess there's a difference between deciding not to and being told you can't. I just never expected the door would be totally shut so soon. So the full realization that I'm not going to carry a child has been creeping up on me. Lately, it's been a little difficult being around children (but I still want to be around them!), and at the park Saturday, I got a little lost watching the kids play at the playground. It kind of feels like a club I was just shut out of. And I know we still have options. If there comes a point when we really want children, we'll adopt. I bet I could love any baby and I could still be a great mom. We could even foster, which really calls out to me. I don't know. I guess, like everything else, we'll see what happens.

Tomorrow is round 2 of the AC combo. Six weeks of chemo left.